Helping children cope with difficult experiences

Just like adults, children who have experienced something difficult may feel unwell for some time afterwards. A child does not need to have experienced a trauma themselves. It can be enough to witness someone else being hurt. In such a situation, daily support from adults is often important for recovery. Like adults, children can experience grief, crisis or anxiety for many reasons. These may include illness or death in the child's family, or the child fleeing war, being neglected by a parent, or experiencing violence or abuse.
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Foto: Johnér

Children react differently to stressful events. Age also plays a role. In older children, the symptoms may be similar to those of an adult who has experienced a traumatic event, such as difficulty sleeping, nightmares, feelings of detachment and disappearing into their own bubble.

Signs that something's wrong

A younger child may suddenly start acting younger than their age, for example, seeking more attention or wetting themselves despite potty training. The child may become less interested in play or other things that used to interest them.

Remember that children have different reactions to what is not right or wrong. It may be hard to notice a difference in a child, even though you know they've been through something difficult.

Adults who know or suspect that a child has experienced something difficult should try to create a calm and safe environment around the child. Don't be afraid to talk to a child who is unwell for fear of making a mistake. The most important thing is to show that you are there and that you are listening. Turn off your phone, TV or other distractions while you talk to your child about what has happened. Even if your child isn't ready to talk right away, he or she will know that you are there.

Helping the child to cope

You can also help the child find his or her own way of dealing with what has happened. This may include brainstorming activities to help them cope with their grief or anxiety for a while, or to help them maintain routines and return to a normal life. If the thoughts and feelings that arise make the child anxious, it may be helpful to explain that the thoughts and feelings are not dangerous and are only temporary.

If you notice a child expressing hopelessness or a desire to end their life, it is very important to seek help from the health care system. In the first instance, call your health centre or contact 1177. If there is an immediate threat to life, call 112. An initial contact with the school health service or school counsellor may also be a good place to start.

Professional help may also be needed if you feel the child is depressed, anxious or suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. Consider explaining to older children that you are seeking help for them and why, so that they feel involved.

Talking about difficult subjects

Listening with patience is one of the most difficult challenges, especially when a child or someone we love is talking about a problem.Here are some tips for talking to children of all ages (and even adults):

  • If you are panicking while the child is talking, try not to show it. Stay as calm as possible. Concentrate on breathing evenly and continue to listen.
  • Don't try to explain away the child's story, minimise the problem or find 'reasonable' causes for what has happened. This is true even if you think the child has misunderstood or is exaggerating.
  • If you can think of solutions or have suggestions about what you or the child should do, wait before you tell. It is more respectful - and often more constructive - to hear the child's own suggestions and thoughts first, even if it takes time.
  • Repeat what the child has said to show that you have heard and understood correctly.
  • If the child reacts to your misunderstanding with frustration, apologise and ask him or her to explain again. 

    It's OK to reply, for example:
  • "Did you mean [your understanding of what the child said]? How does it feel when you think about it?"
  • "That sounds like something that's hard to think about. "
  • "Is there anything you or I can do to make it better?"
  • "What should we do now?"
  • Listen carefully to the answers. There may be no answers at the moment. But even if you don't solve the problem, you've made a difference just by listening and showing that you understand what's bothering the child.